tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
