You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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