I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
