Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
