Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
