God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
