How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
