Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
