I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I'm jealous of your bromance
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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