New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
