I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
