i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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