This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
