textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
