Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
