Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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