She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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