I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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