your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
the liver wants what the liver wants
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
