I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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