i already hear my dad disowning me
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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