do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
