Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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