you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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