Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
