I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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