The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
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