nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
