Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Randomize
