Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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