So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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