Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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