Little spoons don't ask big questions
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
