My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
