dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
