I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
