if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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