M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Randomize
