How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
