did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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