My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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