If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
The ass gains better be worth it
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