so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
