You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
