True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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