Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
