Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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