if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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