Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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