We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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