this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
