my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
