I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
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