I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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