I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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